I Wrote on Irving Berlin’s Wall

Peter Gunn is a native New Yorker and has lived in Bellingham since 1996. He has previously written articles for the Cascadia Weekly, performed stand up at The UpFront Theatre and has both written and performed on KVOS’s Experience NorthWest with Deb Slater.

When I go to a baseball game, they play the National Anthem before every game. Do I stand up? Hell yes I love the nation. I’m not enamored with its current direction. But there are facets of this democracy that I hold dear. The Bill of Rights, our Interstate Highway System, and the abundance of free Wi-fi all come to mind. I love the fact that I can get up at 3AM and play Texas-hold-em with somebody in Sri Lanka. Do I sing along with the anthem ? Only if I have a lyric sheet and it better be in E flat.

Now ever since the horrible events of September 11, 2001 it has become de rigueur to play “God Bless America” at Major League baseball games. That song is performed at the top of the seventh inning on Opening Day, Memorial Day, Independence Day, The All Star Game, Labor Day, September 11th and all post season games. Why not throw in Easter Sunday. Flag Day anybody? And you have to stand. For a while at Yankee stadium late owner George Steinbrenner instructed security to put up chains to prevent people from leaving until the song was over. His reasoning was that citizens complained that people were moving while the song was being played.

It’s “God Bless America.” But who’s God? Irving Berlin’s God? He wrote the tune tentatively for a revue called “Yip Yip Yaphank.” Berlin was a Russian Jew born under the tyranny of the Czars. Maybe it’s his God that’s blessing America? Maybe America is getting blessed by Bud Selig’s God. He’s the Commissioner of Major League Baseball and also was responsible for the Seattle Pilots moving to Milwaukee back in 1970. Perhaps it’s about the players and their Gods. Ty Cobb, Ichiro. Billy Sunday. The Seattle Mariners are owned by Nintendo. Who’s their God? (Answer below)

How bout a little variety? Why not put more melodies in the rotation? There are a lot of great songs that pay homage to this country. Anyone for “America the Beautiful?” How bout “Born in the USA?” “This Land Is Your Land?” Where’s John Phillip Sousa when you need him? Would it kill you to play a little Willie Nelson? Come on. Share the wealth.

Now awhile back I was at Safeco Field watching the M’s. It’s two out at the bottom of the 6th and my sciatica is throbbing like the motor mount on a ’56 DeSoto. So I get up, stretch a little and head for the can. Well guess what? There’s some plumbing situation going on, there’s a line out the door and every guy ahead of me is about my age. It’s like Flowmax commercial. No way. So I leave and return to the nosebleed section and just as I get comfy the guy on the PA asks everyone to stand for the singing of “God Bless America.” Hey I stood for the anthem and I’ll get up in a bit for “Take Me Out to the Ball Game,” But I’m gonna sit this one out. So they start the song and I feel a little poke in my back. I ignore the contact. Another jab followed by a question

“Hey buddy. Why aren’t you standin’? Don’t you believe in America?”

“I believe in America pal. I just don’t believe in God. So why don’t we compromise and I’ll sit with really good posture.”

You see here’s the deal folks. You want me to become erect for a tune that salutes monotheism while adorning itself with jingoistic hooks, you’re gonna have to dazzle me. Some stipulations: A flyover and I don’t want the Blue Angels or the Thunderbirds they are so ‘50s. I want the big boys, Three Stealths, missing man formation. This is non-negotiable. Second: I want Ted Nugent comin’ out of the bullpen on a Hummer, while reading aloud all the decisions written by Clarence Thomas. He’ll finish by the time he hits second base. Third: Once a month, Universal Health care for the first 10,000 people through the gates. Fourth: Karl Lagerfeld Bubblehead Night, just for the sheer lunacy. And for a finale I want Michele Malkin in a Laura Croft outfit, color optional, doing donuts in center field in the go army’s sponsored nascar vehicle. Good God. Now that’s something I can get behind.

But back to the parent company Nintendo. Ironically enough the name Nintendo approximately translated from Japanese to English means “leave luck to heaven.” Yeah. But whose Heaven?